Needing a rant.

Ever have one of those days?
You know the ones; where you do everything right but everything seems so wrong. You talk to people on Facebook, but still you feel desperately lonely?

Today is one of those days for me, and I'm tired of having them.

I want to go out and meet people, meet a guy, have people want to chill with me. But I'm scared.
Scared of rejection, scared of being myself, scared of everything it seems.

And speaking of rejection, I must be to blame because this guy I was seeing is so close to perfection it hurts. But it hurts more that he doesn't want me any more.

I don't want to place my self-worth on being in a relationship with someone, but sometimes it's so difficult to see my life objectively and from the outside. I've got it OK. I'm not well off, but I get by. I've got a job, a few pets and a roof over my head. A family that loves me and whom I love dearly.

But right now, things aren't OK in my head and I can't get past that.

Who am I really?

Do you ever get a fleeting, horrible feeling of 'what the hell am I doing with my life?'

I'm getting that right now.
I smoke too much, drink to much and fuck too much.
Dropping out of this uni to start another course - effectively wasting a year of my life. I don't know if this is really what I want to do with my life, surely there is more to life than paying through the nose for some generic degree?

I wish someone would either give me a hard slap round the face, or a big reassuring hug.
To be honest, the I probably deserve the slap more.

So here's to moving forward.

As I sit here being a lazy bugger in my bed with my laptop fulfilling the purpose of its name sake on my lap I contemplate what has just happened.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Last summer, at a friend's 18th birthday party I met a guy. It was only ever going to be a one night thing with him, but there was something different about this one.
So, almost a year on we've done the whole 'together' thing, the 'just mates' thing and, of course, the 'mates with benefits' thing. Nod, nod, wink, wink; know what I mean?
Well, tonight things are finished romantically between us; my borderline obsession with him was in no way healthy for me.

So, it seems this year is going to be a year of new beginnings - something which I am in dire need of.
New uni, new friends (not that there is anything wrong with my old ones), and a new perspective on my life.

I'm going to live it for me, and me alone.
After all, however selfless and trusting we pretend to be, we can only ever rely on ourselves to get where we want to be in life.

So, that's my current philosophy on life. However, as a nineteen year old woman, that philosophy will no doubt change in a few days.

I'll leave you with a song which shuffled its way on to my playlist, quite ironically...

Moving Forward - Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.

...Our two pieces tesselate 
Were we designed to fit as one? 
And it is with patience that I wait 
as these romantic notions take my dignity and tact 
And I wish that I was stronger than the people that you meet 
And I wish that you were lost without me 
And though the more I think about it the easier it seems 
I'll be just fine so here's to moving forward...